Long Hair Don't Care

We barrel out of the minivan like quiet elephants. I swoop out of the driver side door checking my purse three times to make sure I put the keys in and have my phone. While unclipping the baby I throw the pacifier (loop side) into my mouth and bark at the boys to help Kellan take his seat belt off and don’t forget to grab water bottles. Dakotah unclips Kellan who flies over Jameson’s seat. As Kellan digs his cleats into Jameson’s back and is somehow hanging sideways out the door Dakotah shrieks that he needs to wait his turn. For some reason it has become a competition to see whose feet hit the pavement first since the last person out has the dreaded task of hitting the button to close the van door.

All the while Jameson doesn’t break concentration on whatever earth shattering Messi video is looping on Vine. I yell to the boys the generic “be nice” and “take turns” and “you’re all going to lose your privileges” if they don’t knock it off. I think all they hear is “wha wha, wha wha wha wha” Kellan is victorious and Dakotah to is forced to the button with a dramatic stomp and vengeance in his gaze.

I tell Dakotah to hustle it up to practice and to tie his cleats while I usher Kellan to the playground with the baby on my hip. Jameson disappears into the distance of some open net and looks taller and taller as he fades into the mirage of time. I hand the baby his nook which he immediately holds out in his hand and drops into the sea of dirty woodchips, testing to see how fast I’ll pick it up. After one set of squats down and up I do a body count. Dakotah is warming up on field, Jameson is having a sudden death match with his imaginary goalie and Kellan has climbed on top of the wooden train. He is jumping from car to car reenacting sequences from Red Dead Redemption.

Two little girls that look to be about the same age as Kellan are in the train car below whispering in each other’s ears and pointing with a giggle. The blonde girl stands up straight and adjusts the hem of her Shirley Temple dress as she yells to Kellan “Are you a boy or a girl?” The hand which was moonlighting as his imaginary gun has now fallen flat at his side in defeat. He stops adjusting his phantom holster and let’s the reign of his horse go and gallop off into the sunset. He shrugs his shoulders and puts his hands in his pockets and his face softens as he says “I’m a boy.” That’s it. That’s all. I expect him to spit at her or flip her the bird in typical Kellan fashion but instead he just looks down at his feet. She nudges her friend who is now looking away trying to pretend she isn’t privy to all of this but Shirley continues “No, you’re not! You’re a girl! Look at you!! Ha ha…” and then she just starts chanting and chackling “Girl! Girl! You’re a little girl! Look at you, you have long hair! Girl, girl, girl!!!!”

I stood there frozen. My heart was shattering into a million pieces and all I wanted to do was climb atop the train car and swoop him up. I wanted to kiss his cheek and tell him that people can be so cruel and it doesn’t make sense sometimes, but that he was beautiful and wonderful and amazing and that we don’t have to be like everyone else. Be strong mister! Rise above other people’s insecurities. We think outside the box and accept all people for who they are. I felt like the jerk parent who didn’t take him to Cost Cutters for a buzz cut or buy him cut offs from Old Navy. What was I doing to my child? Am I setting him up to be poked at and singled out? Do I need to surrender to other people’s conformity and need to fit in. Do I need to squelch my child’s freedom to go his own way in order to protect him from ridicule?

But I didn’t say any of those things at that moment. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open and before I knew it words were coming out. “Hey. Hey little girl. That’s not very nice. You need to be nice.” I don’t know but I think I said "nice" a few more times and then she stuck her tongue out at me and went back to conducting the train car. I walked up to Kellan and put my hand on his leg. “Hey bud. Did you get the bad guys? Where did your gun go?” He shot me a grin and did one more train car jump before he was off to conquer the monkey bars across the park.

I followed him around the park the rest of the time watching him play. Really watching him. I studied his precision when he climbed the tunnels and how he giggled when he got across the monkey bars. He ran up to a group of boys and in a blink he was leading them to a zombie apocalypse. I picked up the pieces of my heart that were strewn about the woodchips and took a breath. I decided not to cut his hair or trade in his clothes just yet.

As we were getting ready to leave we heard bunch of commotion over by the train. I looked over and there Shirley was screaming and crying. She had fallen off the top of the train and her dress was all dirty. She was a mess of blonde hair, dripping snot and tears. She was yelling in her mom’s face and stomping her feet. All I heard her mom say was “that’s what you get..."

#Family